


Finding Friendly Companionship

by Gloomier



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, M/M, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 10:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gloomier/pseuds/Gloomier
Summary: Sometimes you just end up finding companionship in the strangest places, with the strangest people. And when life throws you lemons... Well, you end up in a fake relationship to get your adopted son off your case. Iruka didn't sign up for any of this, and he doesn't know what's going on anymore, but it's most certainly all Kakashi's fault.(or, the one where two oblivious idiots end up in a fake relationship)





	1. Text to Speech

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Text to speech](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13171392) by [dahtwitchi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahtwitchi/pseuds/dahtwitchi). 



> Yes, hello! As a returnee to the fandom, this will be my first contribution to Naruto (and my first ever Kakairu) in something silly like 14 years. Yeesh. I am known in another fandom to be quite angsty, so I'll be trying to lure as many of you folks in with this happy, and hopefully amusing, fake dating fic before the other shoe drops!
> 
> This fic was born out of [dahtwitchi's amazing series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/908757) that you should absolutely go look at. I only hope that I'm doing their comics justice!
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr](https://tea-blitz.tumblr.com/)!

The sky was stubbornly azure, the heat of summer was making itself known as Iruka followed one of Konoha’s many winding paths. There was a dearth of missions these days, thanks to an incredibly hard-won peace, and Iruka found himself wandering aimlessly a lot more now having to deal with fewer worries. The stress of weddings and academy graduation was behind him, and he’d already done his spring cleaning weeks ago. He wouldn’t have to worry about planning academy stuff for several weeks yet. At the rate he was going he’d have to pick up a hobby. Tenzo had already tried to get him into woodcarving. Iruka sighed.

It’s been a long time since he had so much free time. The stillness in his life almost made him want to turn to pranks if only to stir up some excitement, even just to entertain himself. Iruka shook his head ruefully at the thought. His path took him closer to the river. As he neared a copse of trees, a shock of white in his peripheral vision, between the gaps, caught his attention.

The downslope leading from the path toward the water, and a bush, cleverly hid the Rokudaime, who was laying on his back staring up at the sky. An orange covered book rested against his chin, left forgotten in favor of watching a single cloud slide across the blue expanse.

Without thinking about it, Iruka came to stand near to Kakashi’s head. He settled his arms across his chest and stared down at the errant Hokage with, what he hoped was, a scolding expression.

“Rokudaime-sama,” Iruka sternly said.

“Iruka-sensei,” Kakashi replied lazily before adding: “And it’s just Kakashi.”

Iruka rolled his eyes. It was a wonder how this man, who was at the literal top of the chain of command, was so bothered by people addressing him properly.

“Don’t you have work to be doing, Kakashi-sama?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi didn’t reply. The ex-jounin had an annoying way of tuning people out, and it was a constant source of irritation when it came time for important meetings. Iruka did not envy Kakashi’s aids.

“Ignoring the job isn’t going to make the work just get up and walk away.”

Kakashi groaned pitifully and pressed a hand against his left eye. “There so. Much. Paperwork.”

Iruka snickered and crouched down. He understood well how much paperwork the Hokage had to deal with. Iruka had been one of Sandaime’s junior aids for close to two years before he had become a chuunin. “So you’re just going to run away? I’m surprised you managed to ditch your aids, Shizune especially.”

“And my ANBU,” Kakashi added loftily without missing a beat. He let his arm flop back down petulantly.

God. Kakashi was an absolute troublemaker, more than Tsunade ever was. Iruka counted his lucky stars that he never had to deal with the Godaime. “You’re a menace,” Iruka mused, “For such a renowned shinobi, it says a lot that the great Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, can’t keep up with a bit of paperwork and a few mission reports.”

Kakashi huffed in what Iruka considered amusement. “I am above such childish manipulation, Iruka-sensei.”

Iruka smirked and stood from his couch. Without warning, he plucked the orange book laying on Kakashi’s chest away from its owner. Kakashi made a poor attempt to intercept, but the book slipped through his fingers.

“Stealing from your Hokage, Iruka-sensei? That’s very rude,” Kakashi whined, giving Iruka a withering look, and propped himself up on one arm. “And I suppose now that you’ve stolen my favorite volume of Icha Icha, I’ll have to go back to the hell that is paperwork.”

Iruka grinned, making sure to keep Kakashi’s place in the book as he flopped down on the grass next to Kakashi. “Ah! I suppose even the Rokudaime could use some rest and relaxation every now and then,” he said, waving Kakashi back down. “I think I’ll join you in your procrastination.”

“Rude,” Kakashi grumbled indignantly.

As much as Iruka thought Kakashi should be doing his work—he wasn’t Kakashi’s handler, after all, so he could cut the man some slack—it was really nice to see him out and about. Kakashi had been cooped up before the wedding shenanigans happened, Iruka had hardly seen him since he accepted the position of Hokage. Since then, Kakashi had been seen more and more around the village. The ex-jounin seemed to be more at ease, more than he ever did a handful of years ago and Iruka was happy for him.

Kakashi was still propped up on one arm, leaning a little toward Iruka, studying him like he was a puzzle to be figured out. Iruka stared back questioningly.

“What?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi hummed thoughtfully. “Weren’t you just on me about doing my work, Iruka-sensei? Encouraging bad habits isn’t something a teacher should be doing.”

Iruka chuckled and spread open the book where he’d kept it marked. His eyes skimmed a page in the trashy porn novel but he wasn’t reading the words. “Don’t worry about it, Kakashi, I’m not a teacher during the summer,” he said. “Besides, friends should look out for each other. I’m just making sure the Rokudaime is getting his rest.”

Were they even friends?

“Maa, that’s very kind of you, Sensei,” Kakashi said, smiling with his eyes. “But should you really be reading that though? I didn’t take you as the kind of person that reads such filth out in the open.” Kakashi pointed out, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Iruka sputtered in outrage, his face blushing a bright red, “Oi!”

Not at all perturbed by Iruka’s outburst, Kakashi plowed on. “What will the village think of you, Iruka? How will you get a girlfriend then?”

Iruka clammed up immediately and his fingers gripped the book tightly, turning his knuckles white. Iruka had made it very hard for people to pry and goad him into talking about his relationships, or the lack thereof to put it bluntly. For Kakashi to bring it up was unexpected and awkward.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend,” Iruka admitted after a pregnant pause. He never had a boyfriend either, but you didn’t need to be in a relationship to have sex. “And I doubt reading a trashy book in public is going to change anything.”

Kakashi didn’t reply, and Iruka was fine with that. He instead focused on the words in the book. Iruka had never actually read an Icha Icha book before, and so he never really understood the hype behind it, or why Kakashi loved them so much.

_Takashi’s cerulean orbs glittered with tears as he dropped to his knees, Himiko’s hand pressed between his hands._

_“Please, Himiko, don’t you see that I love you!” he pleaded desperately._

Nine hells… “How can you stand these books?” Iruka said out loud, nose scrunching up in disgust. Who describes eyes as orbs _,_ anyhow? Did the author even know what true romance actually was?

“I like the storyline,” Kakashi defended weakly.

The lack of conviction behind it forced Iruka to look up at Kakashi. He rested the book against his face, hiding most of it, and settled his gaze just above Kakashi's fluffy-looking hair. Kakashi stared down at him, his eyes narrowed at Iruka; being the target of Kakashi’s intense scrutiny made Iruka feel restless.

“What?” Iruka sighed.

Kakashi shrugged, “Nothing.”

Iruka could hear the wheels turning in Kakashi’s head. The unsaid questions poked at him uncomfortably.

“It’s not a big deal. Between the academy, mission desk shifts, the occasional mission, _and_ Naruto I never really had time for anybody.” _And to be honest nobody ever seemed interested outside of a one-night stand,_ Iruka added silently.

Kakashi shuffled back down onto the grass and they fell back into an awkward, yet companionable silence, only a light summer breeze rustling leaves broke it. Iruka picked the book back up and began reading again, turning to the next page while Kakashi watched another cloud float by.

As Iruka continued to read silently from the book, he snerked and tried desperately to contain his laughter but failed miserably.

“How is this real?” Iruka giggled, catching Kakashi’s attention again who looked at him questioningly. “This part, right here. God—” Iruka said, finger pointing at the paragraph in question, and began to read out loud from the book.

_“You really love me?” Himiko hesitantly asked._

_Takashi sprung from up from the ground and wrapped an arm around Himiko’s waist, pulling her close and looking her deeply in the eyes. “I have only ever loved you, Himiko, I swear it,” Takashi adamantly vowed._

_“I should have never doubted you, Takashi,” Himiko said as her eyes welled up with tears. “Take me to bed,” Himiko demanded as she began shedding her Kimono._

Kakashi yelped and suddenly he was rolled over onto Iruka, half laying on him, effectively pinning him to the ground. Kakashi's left hand covered Iruka’s mouth while his right had pushed the hand holding Icha Icha into the ground. Iruka’s eyes went wide in surprise while Kakashi blushed furiously and looked completely and utterly mortified. Iruka had never seen Kakashi in such a state before.

And of course, the universe was conspiring to kill Iruka at that very moment.

There was a loud rustling near the bushes, and then: “Wow, Naruto, this must feel like you’re walking in on your parents,” Kiba laughed, _very loudly._

Iruka was too stunned to bother looking up at their new arrivals. He already knew what was coming, and there was nothing he could do while still pinned beneath Kakashi’s body.

Another rustle, a choked retching sound, more rustling, and then feet pounding against cement that quickly faded away.

Kakashi sprung away from Iruka, Icha Icha hanging open as he laughed awkwardly, putting some distance between them, “I—it’s not what you think!”

“Yeah, sure,” Kiba snickered before jogging away to catch up to Naruto.

 _‘You were just reading porn to your Hokage, Iruka you fucking idiot.’_ Iruka scolded himself. ‘ _Laughing at, and reading silly porn where anyone could hear you!’_ He was never going to live this down, let alone be able to look Naruto or Kiba in the eyes after this. How could he even look Kakashi in the eye again? How could he begin to forget how Kakashi had been laying right on top of him, with his hands on Iruka’s body?

He had liked it too _._ Not the complete mortification of it all, but the comfortable weight of Kakashi laying on him.

Kakashi was still laughing awkwardly, redder than a tomato. It was quite an endearing sight. Who’d of thought Hatake Kakashi could turn such a color?

“I am so, so sorry, Kakashi,” Iruka said, sitting up and rolling onto his knees, prostrating apologetically. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Arg, no… I—” Kakashi mumbled something and bent his head down to stare at the grass between his legs.

It was such a ridiculous situation, and yes Iruka wanted the earth to split open and devour him, but it was funny. His shoulders began to shake.

“Iruka… Are you alright?” Kakashi asked.

Iruka completely doubled over with laughter then, unable to contain it any longer, overcome by the absurdity of the day. How was this his life?

When his mirth finally petered out Iruka composed himself. He wiped away the tears of hilarity that had gathered at the corner of his eyes as he grinned up at Kakashi, who stared back at him curiously.

Iruka had known of Kakashi for years, but he’d never actually known him. And today Iruka felt he had finally learned a few things about Hatake Kakashi; maybe he even learned a few things about himself too.

Iruka stood and brushed himself off, Kakashi following suit.

“You know, I might know a thing or two about paperwork,” Iruka confessed as he cut back on to the sidewalk.

“Is that so?” Kakashi replied and shoved his hands in his pockets, falling in step with Iruka.

“I could probably help, maybe offer a few pointers if you’d like. I helped the Sandaime back in the day, you know.” Iruka added as they walked. “Plus, the academy is out for the summer…”

“Maa, I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Iruka-sensei. I’m sure all the paperwork has started a revolt in my absence.” Kakashi lamented with a dramatic sigh.

Iruka chuckled and spared a fond look at Kakashi. “How about we go back to the tower and see about quelling the rebellion, eh? Tea always soothed spirits and helped with the filing.”

“I’d like that, Sensei.”


	2. Mountains Out of Mole Hills (part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no jealousy here, not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I posted the first chapter, I didn't really know what I was going to do about a posting schedule for this fic. As of now, I'll be aiming for a chapter a week (likely to be posted on Saturdays or Sundays).
> 
> Decided to do this chapter in two parts. [It's based off the second set of comics in the series](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13232304/chapters/30267645).

Accepting Iruka’s offer of help ended up being an incredible boon to Kakashi.

To be truthful, Kakashi had never been good with paperwork. In the not-so-distant past, he had been terrible with mission reports. They were often unintelligible and ruined things, and Kakashi couldn’t care less about handing them in. No one was really brave enough to put him in his place about them either. That was until he’d butted heads with Umino Iruka, the shark of the mission desk.

Iruka had been fierce and no-nonsense about them since day one. It intrigued Kakashi. Admittedly, Iruka’s temper about poor quality reports ended up being the reason Kakashi continuously handed them in the way he did (in shitty condition, and often times extremely late). It was a source of amusement for him, especially on the few occasions where he purposefully handed in good quality reports just to see Iruka flummoxed.

The sensei had worked countless hours around paperwork. His paperwork expertise it was why he had an incredibly high clearance level for being a chuunin. He knew how things needed to be organized, and knew how important the job was despite it being a complete fucking bore.

Kakashi was enthusiastic about having such seasoned help. He didn’t even know that there were jutsu for handling the paperwork. He was a whole lot more excited about using them (it was useful that he still retained total recall, too) after the fact when he was alone in his office messing around with them. Kakashi would murder Tenzo and hide the body if he ever told a soul.

Only there was a slight problem now.

Just a _little_ one.

Kakashi had expected more chances to talk to, maybe even hang out, with Iruka now that he was around. Perhaps it was just his imagination that Iruka was actively avoiding him, for whatever reason that Kakashi couldn’t even begin to unpack (which was sad considering he made a literal living off watching people, being a shinobi and all). But Iruka seemed to be happy when Kakashi got a chance to speak with him. He supposed that was all that mattered.

Iruka had to have been extremely busy, there was so much work; it was the only explanation… Until Kakashi spotted Iruka and Shikamaru talking—smiling, even—while discussing something over an open scroll.

 _Then_ there was that time Kakashi spied them sitting at a table, Iruka gesturing while he talked at Shikamaru. It must have been something amusing because Shikamaru was grinning. What the hell? That wasn’t even mentioning the other time where they were talking, but Iruka had a hand on Shikamaru’s shoulder while he bent over a scroll to see something Shikamaru had pointed out.

Kakashi was not at all happy when Iruka and Shikamaru were happily discussing something laid out on his desk. He was too irritated to pay a lick of attention to whatever important documents they were talking about. Kakashi was ready to defenestrate his young assistant out the window behind him.

Kakashi didn’t feel an ounce of guilt either, listening in on another conversation of theirs either.

“This is a pretty good idea, Iruka-sensei,” Shikamaru commented praisingly as he read over the packet in his hand. One Iruka handed him, Kakashi deduced.

Iruka immediately perked up, grinning at his former student, “We could talk about it more over tea. I have some time to kill.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

And Kakashi certainly felt no guilt lying to Shikamaru either.

“Oi, Shikamaru,” Kakashi called out and waved Shikamaru over once Iruka was no longer in hearing distance.

“What is it, Hokage-sama?” Shikamaru asked, already looking bored again.

“I need to confirm something and I’d like you to pull all the S-Class mission reports in the archives from ten years ago,” Kakashi said.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Shikamaru groaned, a hand immediately pressed against his temple. “That’s going to take a couple of hours. Do you need them right now?”

 _“Yep._ There’s a lot to pour over.”

“Ugh, what a drag.” Shikamaru sighed.

Later, when it was time for Iruka and Shikamaru to have tea, Shikamaru was unfortunately far too busy pulling a several hundred mission reports to partake.

“Kakashi, have you seen Shikamaru?” Iruka asked, pushing open the office door (that Kakashi strategically left open) with his elbow while carrying a tray with two cups and teapot on it.

Kakashi leaned back in his chair and shrugged lazily, hoping that none of his giddiness showed in his body language, “Not sure. I heard him say something about doing some last minute important work. What’s up?”

“Oh,” Iruka said, frowning down at the tray in his hands. “Well, we were supposed to discuss some filing changes over tea, and… I guess it’ll be wasted now.”

“There’s no sense in wasting good tea, Iruka-sensei! I wouldn’t mind some tea myself since you already went to the trouble of making it.” Kakashi said diplomatically, cringing at the eagerness in his tone, as he got up out of his chair.

“I’m surprised you have the time, Kakashi-sama,” Iruka commented, smiling at Kakashi.

That smile was completely worth lying to Shikamaru, Kakashi decided. He would shamelessly, and without an ounce of regret, do it again.

“If I don’t carve out some me time, then I’ll never get a break,” Kakashi grinned. He moved around the table and toward Iruka, grabbing at the tray in the sense’s hands. “Besides, you make the best tea. I couldn’t, in good conscience, turn down such an opportunity,” he added and gently tugged the tray out of Iruka’s grasp.

“If you insist, Kakashi,” Iruka said and let the tray slip from his hands, one of which shot up to scratch at the scar across his nose. A habit that Kakashi found rather endearing. He also did not miss the subtle reddening of Iruka’s face. _Take that, Shikamaru,_ Kakashi thought victoriously.

And Kakashi strategically avoided Shikamaru for the rest of the week.

He had completely underestimated the amount of S-Class mission reports that were going to be pulled. As a result, he would have to make it look like he was, in fact, going through them. Or make someone else put them all back… Without Shikamaru finding out, of course.

In the meantime, Kakashi made it a habit of seeking Iruka out whenever he could. With Shikamaru temporarily out of commission, Kakashi found it easier to approach Iruka.

He absolutely was _not_ jealous.

Kakashi just felt awkward inserting himself into conversations when Iruka and Shikamaru were talking to each other.

And Kakashi was absolutely not sneaking up on Iruka every chance he got and pulling the man’s ponytail just to see Iruka’s surprised and flustered reactions. Nope. What a ridiculous notion.

 _‘As Hokage, it’s my duty to make sure the Shinobi of this village are kept on their toes. Look alive, Iruka-sensei!’_ Kakashi had told him after his third successful attempt at sneaking up on Iruka while the man worked.

As Kakashi walked down the night-darkened street, hands in his pockets, he spotted Iruka between the gaps of Ichiraku’s canvas flaps, hunched over his bowl. Automatically, Kakashi found himself gravitating toward the ramen shop—toward Iruka. Truth be told, Kakashi enjoy flexing his skills even though the goal wasn’t to maim and or kill enemy shinobi. All he was good for these days was the occasional spar with Tenzo (because there was no way in hell Kakashi was going to let Gai talk him into sparring in his condition) and all the Hokage-ing nonsense.

Kakashi silently parted the flaps and loomed over Iruka, who was still unaware of his presence. Honestly, Iruka was really asking for it. Kakashi reached up with his right arm and tugged on Iruka’s ponytail.

“Oi!” Iruka snarled, twisting around to glare at Kakashi.

“I thought I told you,” Kakashi began as the sensei angrily batted Kakashi’s hands away from his hair. “I consider myself allowed when you don’t sense me, Iruka-sensei. Deep in our thoughts again, mmm?”

“Hmph. You’re awful childish for a Hokage, Kakashi-sama.” Iruka complained while he fixed his hair.

Kakashi chuckled and perched himself on the stool to Iruka’s left. He rested his elbows upon the counter and cradled his chin between his hands, tilting himself to better look at the man next to him. “Right now I’m not a Hokage; just Hatake Kakashi.”

“Well, Just Hatake Kakashi, you’re a menace,” Iruka told him with a not-so-subtle roll of his eyes. The chuunin folded his arms over the counter and rested his weight on them.

“And you’re pretty distracted for a Shinobi,” Kakashi countered teasingly. “Would you like company for dinner, Sensei?”

He dropped his arms to the counter and spared a glance over toward Iruka’s bowl. It was empty, but he was certain Iruka would accept another bowl. He was as big a ramen fiend as Naruto was.

Iruka looked at him, narrowing his eyes as he tried to figure him out. He wasn’t saying no, and the pause was long enough that Kakashi took it as a yes.

“We’d like two bowls of ramen, please!” Kakashi called out, gesturing to their little piece of real estate. “The usual.”

“Coming right up!” Teuchi announced jovially.

This time when Iruka rolled his eyes, it was accompanied by an easy smile.

*

The next morning Kakashi entered the tower in a relatively good mood.

Having dinner with Iruka the previous evening ended up being pretty great. The easy conversation and light teasing were amazing; Kakashi had never felt so relaxed after work before now. He supposed that he could probably make it through at least the morning before he’d start ditching his work, riding on his post not-actually-a-date good mood.

He absolutely flipped Tenzo off, who was currently standing at attention on the morning shift, just before pushing the door to his office open. His kohai’s ANBU mask did nothing to hide, what Kakashi was sure to be, his shit-eating grin. Tenzo had had evening body-guard duty last night, and he most certainly had a front-row seat to the not-a-date. He’d kick Tenzo’s ass later as revenge.

Entering the office, Kakashi spied the telltale sign of someone, Iruka, hunched over behind a rather horrifically-tall stack of paperwork waiting to be dealt with. Kakashi shuddered and carefully repressed his instinct to run far, _far_ away.

 _Iruka’s presence will make everything better,_ Kakashi told himself as he approached the desk...

Well, that’s strange.

He wasn’t exactly quiet as he entered the office, and yet the person behind the desk hadn’t bothered to react.

“Good morning, Sensei,” Kakashi said, settling an arm on top of the grotesque pile of papers. He reached over with his right arm intending to pull Iruka’s hair. “Busy to...da—”

As Kakashi’s hands met the dark hair of the ponytail, tugging gently, he realized he made a mistake.

“Do you mind?” Shikamaru groused as he glared up at Kakashi.

_Oh shit._

_That_ was definitely killing intent. Of course, none of his ANBU seemed bothered by it.

“Good morning!” Kakashi yelped and leaped backward. In his haste, he pushed over the tower of paperwork, scattering it everywhere. Shikamaru looked even more displeased.

“What the hell happened in here?”

Kakashi spun around so fast he just about gave himself whiplash. “Good morning, Iruka-sensei!”

Iruka looked not at all pleased with his hands on his hips, scowling between Kakashi, Shikamaru, and all the paper scattered about. Kakashi nervously scratched at the edge of his mask.

“Why is today’s stack of paperwork everywhere?” Iruka sternly questioned.

“Today’s good morning, right?” Kakashi fidgeted.

“Would you stop saying that,” Shikamaru grumbled behind the desk.

Iruka’s sighed, muttering a quiet “damn it” as he bent down to begin picking up the paper mess.

“Kakashi—” Shikamaru began to say.

Kakashi twisted around, interrupting Shikamaru with a violent hand gesture across his throat, and frantically began signing in ANBU field code. _No. Silence. Abort mission. Nothing happened._

 

Bonus: 

Shikamaru inwardly sighed and continued to glare at Kakashi. How was this his life?

“I am so sorry, Iruka-sensei,” Kakashi said, laughing nervously.

“Don’t apologize, just help me pick this up,” Iruka ordered as he inspected a document. He added it to his ever-growing pile.

“Yes, okay!” Kakashi said a little too enthusiastically. He dropped the ground and began scooping up loose papers, not bothering to make sure he piled them correctly (Shikamaru would brow-beat Kakashi into sorting them later). “Would you like to pause for tea?”

Kakashi’s request made Iruka still, the papers in his hand drooped forward.

Shikamaru shot a look at the Hokage, noting the blush that crept up out from beneath Kakashi’s mask. _Wow, real subtle Kakashi._ Then he shifted his attention to Iruka… _Oh. Well then._

“I’d like that,” Iruka replied, smiling, and the added the papers to the pile.

Iruka was blushing too.

“You were wanting to run some things by me anyway. Now is a good time,” Kakashi said as he stood. He took a couple of steps and offered his hand to Iruka.

Iruka placed his hand in Kakashi’s and heaved himself up. “I did!”

Neither Iruka or Kakashi offered a goodbye as they exited the office.

“This is gonna be so troublesome,” Shikamaru uttered into the empty space, resting a hand against his face.


	3. Mountains Out of Mole Hills Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miscommunication paves the way to friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late chapter! Kakashi was being a dumpster fire, and Iruka was a trainwreck (spoilers: they still are), so... I guess blame them?

“We’ll need to update the codes. Add some additional seals for more accurate filing too. But overhauling and polishing the system the Sandaime put in place will help us out a lot. It’s just a shame Tsunade let it get so bad. Even the security seals need to be touched up.”

Kakashi leaned back in his chair, hands folded over his stomach, as he stared out the window. He was pretty proud of himself for having the foresight to adjust it before Shikamaru showed up and began lecturing him about filing.

“Are you even listening,” Shikamaru asked him pointedly.

Kakashi gave an affirmative grunt. He watched a bird land on the sill outside the window. The tiny blue, feathery ball ruffled its feathers and preened them. Maybe he’d go out for sushi tonight. He hasn’t gone out for dinner in over a month.

“Hokage-sama, please,” Shikamaru pleaded mildly.

The bird flew off and forced Kakashi to turn his head down toward the scroll laid out across his desk. The penmanship was obviously Iruka’s, Kakashi noted as he inspected the tiny flourishes some of the kanji had. He hummed thoughtfully, “Are these some of Iruka’s plans?”

“Ah, yeah. But how do—”

“It’s a pretty big thing,” Kakashi cut him off and waved his hand dismissively. He let his eyes settle on Shikamaru, narrowing them suspiciously. “I rarely see you this passionate, Shikamaru.”

Shikamaru perked up as Kakashi expected him to.

“Well, Iruka-sensei’s suggestions are nothing short of brilliance. He’s got a lot of experience working with the Sandaime’s filing system and knows the best ways to tweak it. To make it more efficient. There’s no one better to handle such an undertaking like this.” Shikamaru explained, a fond smile curling his lips.

God, that was unsettling.

“Maa, Iruka-sensei is definitely passionate about paperwork,” Kakashi commented coolly. He had already heard most of the stuff Iruka wanted to change when they had tea yesterday. Kakashi really didn’t want to be lectured on it anymore by Shikamaru. In fact, Kakashi wouldn’t have minded hearing a repeat lecture from Iruka at all.

“It is Iruka-sensei after all,” Shikamaru quipped smugly without missing a beat. “It was smart thinking talking him into helping us out.”

Shikamaru was far too pleased about Iruka and Kakashi didn’t like it. It felt an awful lot like his assistant was brandishing Iruka and his ideas around like a trophy. Kakashi was unsettled by the apparent closeness of the two.

“What’s a Hokage for, anyway?” Kakashi sighed dejectedly as he brought his elbows up to rest on the desk. He rested his chin in the cradle of his hands and looked away. “Feel free to implement the plans, there’s no need for me to supervise the changes. I trust your judgment and Iruka’s skills.”

“Yes, Hokage-sama.”

A couple of hours later Iruka came sauntering into his office, a bundle of papers tucked under his arm.

“Iruka-sensei,” Kakashi said, tipping his head down in acknowledgment.

“Morning, Kakashi-sama!” Iruka greeted him, smiling. He walked up to the desk and laid the papers down in front of Kakashi. Iruka’s smile never wavered, and Kakashi couldn’t help but squint at the slightest amusement curling at the corner of his lips. There was a wicked twist to it that Kakashi didn’t appreciate. “Shizune wanted to make sure these forms got to you. They need your sign off,” Iruka added.

Kakashi swept his eyes down and away from Iruka to the newest addition to his ever-growing paperwork for the day. He glared hatefully at the offending, yet very flammable material. He couldn’t be blamed for a bout of uncontrollable fire jutsu—he just had to spin the idea that the only way to kill spiders was with fire.

Petulantly, Kakashi bent to the right and hooked his fingers on the handle of the desk drawer, yanking it open. It was quite dramatic; Kakashi was proud. “I wonder if Tsunade’s super secret stash of sake is still hidden in here. It’s too damn early to deal with this shit.”

Iruka snorted, but it sounded more like an aborted tsking noise. Kakashi would take that.

“You can’t be serious!” Iruka said disbelievingly, shooting him a reproachful look. “It was bad enough that she drank her way through a bar’s worth of alcohol a day. While _still_ on the clock!”

“And now I understand why she did it! Damn, she must have cleaned it out before leaving me to my doom.” Kakashi whined. He slammed the drawer shut and slumped back into his chair with a melodramatic huff.

Iruka’s quiet laughter filled the room then, his hand hiding his smile, and Kakashi watched as the mirth shook his body. It made Kakashi feel warm and content. His mask hid his own amused smile.

“Oh yes, such a shame,” Iruka rolled his eyes.

“I knew you’d be against me on this,” Kakashi muttered and Iruka answered it with an unapologetic shrug.

“Before I forget, I heard that you approved the plans for the filing changes.”

Kakashi grimaced. He was happy that his mask hid that expression as well.  Ugh.

“Yes well, it wasn’t a difficult decision to make when you suggested such ingenious and eloquent changes. We clearly need them,” Kakashi said, gesturing at the mess of papers on his desk to make a point.

_You don’t need to say anymore. Don’t bring Shi—_

“Shikamaru was also in here earlier, singing your praises. I agreed that your work would be more than worth it. Thank you very much, Iruka-sensei.”

_Fuck._

Iruka’s jaw hung open for a split second before he bent himself in half to bow. “Thank you Hokage-sama. I’m glad you found my ideas worthy.”

“Maa, no need to be so formal, Sensei. We’re the ones who are grateful.” Kakashi said and leaned forward in his chair, staring intently at Iruka as he righted himself. Kakashi knew he was being an idiot now, digging at whatever it was that Iruka and Shikamaru had, but he couldn’t help it. He always had to look underneath the underneath. “Shikamaru was especially happy. Do you enjoy working with him?” he prodded.

Iruka blushed and reached up to rub at the edge of his scar. Kakashi hated that tiny smile and who brought it out. _Double fuck._

“Oh, well, Shikamaru is brilliant. I might have done the bulk of the work, but he was the one asking the hard questions, pushing me to make my ideas the best they could be. I doubt I could have done it without him.” Iruka gushed shamelessly.

Well, it _seemed_ shameless.

Kakashi was definitely going to replenish the super secret sake stores. It was the only way he could handle this budding office relationship. Kakashi turned his chair away from Iruka and glared down at the floor.

“Kakashi-sama, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just not looking forward to all the paperwork,” Kakashi replied caustically.

*

“Hey, Iruka-sensei. Can I ask you something?”

Kakashi, who was conveniently walking down the hallway with his nose in Icha Icha, paused next to the open door of the staff lounge.

“Oh, uh sure,” came the hesitant answer from—surprise, surprise—Iruka.

Happening upon Iruka and Shikamaru spending time together was becoming way too frequent for his liking. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

Shikamaru’s voice dropped down to a whisper, forcing Kakashi to get closer to the threshold of the door. He stealthily peeked around the corner, spotting Shikamaru and Iruka sitting at a nearby table, chairs pushed close together.

What the hell?

_They’re sitting pretty close together,_ Kakashi’s mind pointed out rebelliously. _Close enough to kiss._

_Please shut up,_ Kakashi thought to himself.

Five minutes passed while he watched the pair, and as he counted each one Iruka progressively became more and more flustered, to the point where the Sensei’s tanned skin did nothing to hide the deep blush. They were angled in a way that gave Kakashi a good view of both their faces. He could see the embarrassment on Iruka’s face and Shikamaru’s baffled confusion.

He absolutely _did not_ panic when Shikamaru pushed his chair out and stood up. But he did watch his assistant leave the staff lounge from the ceiling. Sometimes Kakashi wondered how his daily life would play out if he wasn’t a badass (ex-)shinobi. When the coast was clear, he dropped quietly from his hiding spot and resumed spying on Iruka. His hand covered his face like he was ashamed of something.

What the hell did Shikamaru say to Iruka to make him look like _that?_

It was a shinobi’s responsibility to consider all the options of a situation, and Kakashi had a rather colorful imagination. As one thought shot into his brain, a much worse scenario took its place. The cycle continued until he was sufficiently pissed off at his assistant to enter the room.

“Hey, Iruka, are you alright?” Kakashi asked tightly while he tried really hard not to blow up.

Iruka’s head shot up in surprise. “Ah! Yeah, I’m okay... I think.”

“You sure? If Shikamaru did anything…” Kakashi said accusingly, his tone gaining a deadly serious edge, and crossed his arms over his chest.

“What exactly are you suggesting, Hokage-sama?” Iruka growled softly.

Okay, _that_ was the famed teacher voice.

“Did Shikamaru say something to you? Did he do anything unseemly?” Kakashi bluntly asked.

“Are you asking if Shikamaru sexually harassed me?” Iruka hissed venomously. “What the _fuck?”_ He shot out of his seat and the chair to tipped over and clattered onto its side.

Kakashi took a cautious step backward. Iruka’s killing intent was palpable; if looks could kill, he would most certainly be dead.

After a minute of staring each other down, Iruka moved. And Iruka kept moving; he slammed his shoulder into Kakashi’s as he passed, pushing Kakashi into the door frame.

Kakashi followed shortly behind Iruka as he cut a path back to Kakashi’s office. Everyone they passed on their way to the office gave them a wide berth as anger poured off Iruka like an unstoppable grease fire. Even the ANBU knew to keep out of his warpath.

Iruka flung the office door open, it banged against the wall; it rebounded and smacked Kakashi in the elbow as he passed the threshold. Kakashi slammed the door shut in retaliation.

Naruto stood next to the desk, scratching the back of his neck while looking anxiously between him and Iruka. Iruka didn’t acknowledge Naruto, which meant things were going to get ugly.

Kakashi hated being right sometimes.

When he reached the desk Iruka’s anger erupted.

“Are you fucking kidding me, _Kakashi?”_ Iruka rounded on him. “You thought that Shikamaru was interested in me? In that way? How the hell did you come to that conclusion? I can not believe you! You have some nerve to suggest any such thing between me and _former_ student!” As Iruka’s tirade gained momentum, his shouting grew louder. With every word uttered, he harshly jammed his index into Kakashi’s chest, the flak vest did nothing to soften the blows. There was little that Kakashi could do to avoid Iruka pummeling him into the desk with a single finger.

From the corner of his eyes, Kakashi saw Naruto’s expression go from worried to curious to confused.

“Wait a minute. Kakashi-sensei, did you really think that there was something between Shikamaru and Iruka-sensei?” Naruto snickered like there was some inside joke Kakashi was missing.

“Maa—”

“He eavesdropped on us, then had the audacity to stick his nose in other people’s business!” Iruka interrupted. “Me? With a former student? A student that is half my age too! Nine hells, Kakashi!” Iruka swore and shook his head in disbelief. He turned around sharply and stomped out of the office.

The door stayed on its hinges. That was good, at least.

Under the weight of so much unbridled anger, Kakashi slumped backward against the desk and stared up at the ceiling. Naruto giddily perched himself on the corner of the desk next to him.

“Wow, Kakashi-sensei. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Iruka-sensei so pissed off! That sure brings me back.” Naruto laughed. “Iruka-sensei’s still got it!”

_Ugh._ Kakashi would purposefully put himself in another awkward situation if it got Naruto to run away in disgust again. He did not need this right now, and he certainly didn’t need Naruto witnessing him being torn to pieces by Iruka.

“How did you even get the idea that he and Shikamaru were a thing, anyway?”

“I didn’t even mean to suggest that! Fine. Okay, I guess I did mean it that way. But I didn’t mean to suggest that Shikamaru was doing anything bad.” Kakashi admitted wretchedly and pulled himself up off the desk, then leaned against it for support. “It’s just that he and Shikamaru were spending a lot of time together, and gushing about each other—so I just assumed stuff.”

The annoying sparkle Naruto got in his eye when he had a dumb idea was there. _Ugh._

“You should go and apologize to him,” Naruto suggested with a grin.

“Yeah, I know.”

“He’s probably gone to Ichiraku’s to cool off,” Naruto added helpfully.

“I _know,_ Naruto.”

Kakashi pushed off the desk and headed out of the office following after Iruka. He walked slowly to allow the irate sensei more time to settle down before Kakashi tried to apologize. Iruka’s anger burned hotly, but it usually burnt itself out pretty quick too. He was more worried about any potential revenge pranks, to be perfectly honest.

The ten-minute walk turned into twenty minutes. Kakashi found Iruka right where he expected the man to be: half-laying on the countertop in Ichiraku’s, forehead pressed into the wood of it, hands buried in his hair.

Clearly unable to make smart decisions or control his impulses, Kakashi reached for Iruka’s ponytail.

“Don’t you dare!” Iruka growled into the counter.

Kakashi stiffened at Iruka’s warning. “Ah, you noticed.”

“Yes, I noticed!”

Kakashi laughed nervously and retracted his hand. He parked himself on a stool at Iruka’s left.

“So, uhh. Are you gonna be alright?” Kakashi asked.

“I just screamed at my Hokage—” Iruka hissed, pulling his hair. Kakashi tried (and failed) to get a word in as Iruka’s rant turned into a dull roar. “—who thought I was seeing an ex-student, and _insinuated_ that I was being sexually harassed by said ex-student!”

“I didn’t—” Kakashi began to say during a brief pause, but Iruka plowed right on through.

“The same stupidass ex-jounin thinks that now is the perfect time to keep pulling literal pigtails! What am I even doing?”

Kakashi fidgeted uncomfortably and turned away from Iruka. Okay, that sounded _a lot_ worse than what he thought he said. Shikamaru is a good kid and wouldn’t do anything like that. Damn, he really knew how to screw things up. Kakashi sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, running his fingers up into his hair miserably.

With the lull in being shouted at, Kakashi spoke up. “Listen, Iruka. I thought that when you started working in the tower you’d be working with me, but then you ended up just working with Shikamaru.”

“Well, I did offer to help,” Iruka stated like everything was obvious. His voice wasn’t muffled now, but Kakashi was too big a chicken to turn and face him.

“You looked really happy, working with him and so I just assumed…” Kakashi said, “What was I supposed to think?”

Iruka groaned in mild disgust, “Kakashi—nine hells! Shikamaru was my _student._ I’m just really proud of him. I’m happy to see all my students grow; they’re all so big now!”

“Yeah but…” Kakashi tried weakly.

“Gah! You’re the Hokage!” Iruka blurted out in annoyance, but his tone and volume softened as he went on. “You act like my pre-genin with how you go about making friends.”

Well, Kakashi couldn’t argue with that. He was barely friends with his genin team when he was younger. Of course, now he appreciated them, but it didn’t change the fact that he was a little asshole to Obito and indifferent toward Rin. His one true friend had always been Gai, and that friendship was one he was forced in to (but Gai’s presence grew on him like likable lichen, even if it was burdensome sometimes). Kakashi supposed that he couldn’t fuck something up that was out of his control.

Iruka mumbled something else under his breath, and Kakashi only managed to catch the word unprofessional out of it.

“...Sorry?” Kakashi asked, looking over his shoulder at Iruka who had his arms crossed over his chest and was looking away. He couldn’t get a read on Iruka’s face but Kakashi could tell that Iruka was flustered. Flustered Iruka did weird things to his insides. He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

“Nothing.”

They fell silent then and after a beat, Kakashi leaned back unto his elbow and toward Iruka. “So, umm... You wanna try this friends thing out? Properly this time?” Kakashi mumbled.

_Just friends, huh?_ Kakashi’s mind supplied mutinously; he squashed it down mercilessly.

“Yeah, that sounds okay,” Iruka shrugged, still looking away from Kakashi. “How did you find me, anyway?”

“Naruto. He told me I needed to apologize,” Kakashi admitted, scratching at his mask sheepishly.

“Oh.”

 

**Bonus:**

The awkward silence that followed was deafening. It made Teuchi cringe with secondhand embarrassment. Not even he was that awkward on his first date.

“So… what now?” Kakashi asked, breaking the awkwardness with even more awkwardness.

Shinobi had no social skills at all, it seemed.

“Well, we could eat. Since we’re here I mean!” Iruka offered and gestured at Teuchi. “The usual. For both of us, please!”

Teuchi nodded. “Coming right up!” he said and went to work, keeping an ear on the conversation behind him.

“Maa, that sounds good, Sensei.” Kakashi agreed. “Why don’t you tell me more about how you came up with the new system.”

As Teuchi scooped the noodles out from the boiling water and into the offered bowls, Iruka finally did look at Kakashi. He thought they were just going to sit there and avoid each other the entire time.

Ayame added the finishing touches to each bowl and handed them off. 

“Enjoy!” Ayame crowed cheerfully.

“Who are they trying to kid?” Teuchi whispered quietly behind his hand to Ayame as Iruka and Kakashi talked over their meals.

As Iruka happily babbled Kakashi only had eyes for Iruka. It was kind of pathetic in a romantic sort of way. He shook his head exasperatedly.

“No idea. I think they might truly be that oblivious…” Ayame whispered back piteously.


	4. Save Us All From Kids With Good Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto tries to help, Iruka wants to spontaneously combust, and a mission is undertaken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fun begins with the longest chapter thus far! I deviated a little from the comics and I really like them. I hope you'll like them too!
> 
> [This chapter is based on the third part of Dahtwitchi's comic series!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13282824/chapters/30394983)

 

“Iruka-sensei!”

Iruka sighed heavily.

Over the years Iruka had become an expert in reading everything about Naruto. It was how he knew when the kid was going to pull a prank, or if he had something on his mind. It was the little hints that tipped him off: the tone of his voice, how his hands twitched as he tried to hold back his excitement, the wide smiles, even his eyes were incredibly emotive.

The way Naruto called out his name sent a cold shiver down his spine. Iruka could feel the onset of a migraine throb behind his eyes.

“What is it, Naruto?” Iruka asked mildly.

Naruto fell into step with him as he walked down the street. All he wanted to do was go home, reheat some leftovers, then start his lesson plans for the next school year. It was already getting late.

“I’ve been thinking!” Naruto announced in that weird sort of excited, thoughtful, and serious tone he reserved for a particularly troublesome problem.

Iruka flinched. “What about?” he replied, trying to keep his tone light.

“You like guys,” Naruto bluntly stated. There was nothing mocking about it, just a cold hard fact. Naruto was his adoptive family, but Iruka never had that talk with him; it never came up and Iruka was too much of a coward to bring it up. “It took me a long time to figure it out. I remembered how you acted when I suggested you get married, ya know after I found out that you can’t even cook for yourself.”

“Thanks for that,” Iruka cut in wryly.

“Then that whole thing with Kakashi-sensei and Shikamaru put it in perspective. It’s pretty funny that he thought Shikamaru was interested in you like that!” he laughed.

The little ball of unease that always had a presence within Iruka tightened uncomfortably. No one really cared who got with who—they were shinobi, for fuck sakes—and it’s been very many years since anyone actually cared. But that didn’t mean Iruka didn’t feel some unease. There was always that one person who got weird about it.

“I just wanted to say that it’s okay that you like guys, Iruka-sensei.”

Oh.

Iruka stopped walking, a little stunned by Naruto’s words.

_ What a loud mouth, _ Iruka thought fondly. The unease completely left him then. Leave it to Naruto to completely accept people for who they are; that kid really was something.

“So, how about it?” Naruto asked brightly. He was stopped a few paces ahead of Iruka, half-turned to face him.

“Wha…? What do you mean, ‘how about it?’” he asked dumbly, blinking rapidly in confusion.

Naruto groaned and nearly broke himself in half as he slumped forward, arms dangling down towards his knees. “I said, why don’t we go to the Braided Blade and get a drink. I’ll be your wingman!”

The Braided Blade was a bar whose primary patronage was gay shinobi.  _ Nine hells! _ He did not need  _ that _ kind of help from Naruto. Abso-fucking-lutely not. Iruka blushed furiously.

“Out of the question, Naruto!” Iruka growled with finality in his teacher's voice.

“Iruka-sensei!” Naruto whined in protest as he righted himself.

“No!”

Naruto crossed his arms and pouted, then dramatically turned away from Iruka. And for a moment Iruka thought the hooligan was going to drop it, and then Naruto perked up.

Iruka was so,  _ so _ wrong.

“Okay. But how about that guy then? Is he your type?” Naruto pointed to a guy who was walking further down the street. His hair looked like it was held in place by some kind of hair product. His clothes were obviously civilian.

“No, that man is a civilian.  _ Please _ stop,” Iruka groaned. He leaned back and sent a look skyward, hoping to be struck down by some higher power, an enemy ninja even—hell, he’d intercept an out-of-control jutsu right about now.

“What about that one, then?”

This time Naruto pointed at a tall, well-muscled man with short, dirty-blonde hair. He wasn’t in uniform, but the leaf hitae-ite on his forehead made it clear he was a ninja. Yeah,  _ no. _

“I’ll pass,” Iruka grimaced.

With each man Naruto pointed out, Iruka’s anger grew. It was a genuine surprise that Naruto wasn’t screaming it out for the entire village to hear.  _ Small victories were still victories, _ Iruka told himself trying to keep calm. It only took the kid thirteen years to learn not to use an outside voice for everything.

When Naruto pointed out the tenth man, Iruka snapped.

“Enough, Naruto!” Iruka yelled, gaining the attention of several people scattered on the street. 

Iruka felt no guilt about the outburst, but then Naruto looked at him with one of his incredibly defeated expressions. The kid had his hands shoved in his pockets while he kicked at the dirt pitifully.

Oh  _ fuck, _ not the weepy eyes.

“But...I just wanted to help you find a partner. You deserve to be happy, Iruka.” Naruto sniffled. He had his head bent towards the ground, but then that little snot tipped his head up just a smidge to look at Iruka sadly.

Iruka groaned in frustration and rubbed a hand down his tired face. He dug his thumb and index fingers into his eyes until he saw colored spots behind his eyelids. “Naruto…”

“Well, until you find a steady partner, please use these,” Naruto continued, voice sounding steady again like he wasn’t just getting choked up over finding Iruka a boyfriend, and then there was a crinkling noise.

Iruka dropped his hand and opened his eyes, then immediately regretted it. Naruto was turned away from him again, pointedly looking away, but his ears were burning red. In the hand he held out to Iruka was a ribbon of silver squares. There were six in total all in nondescript packaging, but the little circular indents made it obvious as to what they were.

Condoms.

Iruka’s body vibrated with both anger and embarrassment.

The nerve of that little shit!

“Na...ru...to,” Iruka hissed, angrily enunciating each syllable in Naruto’s name. “Fucking hell! I don’t need those, I’m already with Kakashi!” he blurted out as he fumed.

Naruto, smartly, took two steps away, but hardly seemed deterred by Iruka’s fury. “I also have a book about it too, just in case—”

“—A book?” Iruka choked out, “ Naruto I don’t need a book! I know from personal experience—”

God, he was going to throw up.

“—Gross! Blah, blah, blah! I don’t need to hear it, okay? I was just making sure!” Naruto pulled a face and stuck his fingers in his ears. Well if he didn’t want to hear it, then he shouldn’t have said anything! “Wait, go back. You and Kakashi-sensei…?”

“It was supposed to be a secret!”

“I knew it!” Naruto crowed triumphantly, fist pumping into the air. “Kiba told me he thought there was something up with you two after we caught you and Kakashi-sensei doin’ stuff by the river! Wait, he wanted to keep your relationship a secret?”

Iruka was in full on panic mode. Why couldn’t he keep his stupid mouth shut! “Yes! So there, now you know! No reason to help me find a boyfriend, or try to marry me off!”

Iruka turned and fled, leaving Naruto in the middle of the street, yelling at him to come back, with the condoms still in hand. Iruka especially ignored the weird looks from the people who saw the entire outburst.

*

He really did need to learn to cook or at the very least visit other establishments that weren’t Ichiraku. It wasn’t exactly healthy to ramen away his problems like Naruto always seemed to do. It was either that or spend a hefty sum of money on booze and drink himself to death in his apartment, where he didn’t have to deal with people. And if he had to deal with people questioning, or meddling for that matter, in or around his sex life, he would murder them and go missing-nin.

He stomped his way through the village, growling and muttering about nosey brats, and only stopped when he sat down at the counter in Ichiracku’s. He groaned incoherently and all but slammed his head down on the counter, fingers curling into his hair.

“...Rough day, Sensei?”

Iruka shot up and pounded at the counter with a closed fist, nearly knocking Kakashi’s cup over. Some of its contents spilled out onto the wood before Kakashi could steady it.

Iruka leaned into Kakashi’s personal space and yelled at him accusingly, stabbing the air with a pointed finger. “Yes! And it’s all your fault!”

“What?” Kakashi asked incredulously, leaning away from Iruka.

“I haven’t had such a horrible day in years,” Iruka admitted in an aggrieved tone and covered his face with his hands. “It wouldn’t have happened if not for you! I’ll quit being a ninja and move out of the village. I’ll become a hermit!”

Ugh. Even complaining reminded him of every word Naruto spoke.

“I’ll never be able to scrub it from my mind! Argh!” Iruka dragged his hands down his face.

“Maa, aren’t you being a bit dramatic, Iruka-sensei?”

“He told me that it was okay to like guys. All thanks to your obsession with Shikamaru and I!”

Kakashi looked at him sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I said I was sorry,” he mumbled.

“Naruto brought a book with him to give to me… To make sure that I knew how guys  _ did it.” _ Iruka whined and covered his face again, embarrassed. “He had prepared… He even tried to give me condoms!  _ Condoms, _ Kakashi. I had to tell him I knew from experience, but even then he didn’t want to drop it!”

“Uhh, he went on… about? In detail?” Kakashi stammered.

Watching Kakashi turn beet-red was extremely satisfying. Iruka wondered what shade of red he’d turn if Naruto tried that on him. In any other instance, Iruka would have found a disgruntled Kakashi hilarious.

“No! It was a near thing though.” Iruka said, “He has a lot of opinions about me getting into a relationship. And now he’s trying to set me up with people.  _ Then _ he tried to talk me into going to the Braided Blade with him. So he could be my  _ wingman. _ ”

_ Make sure to tell Kakashi that you told Naruto that you’re already in a relationship with each other! _ Iruka’s mind supplied mutinously.

“I am sincerely sorry, Sensei! I will speak to him about this!” Kakashi promised as he shifted in his chair and bowed to Iruka.

“What?! No! You’ll only make it worse, you idiot!” Iruka said in a panicked rush. He buried his face in his hands again.

Everything would be so much easier if he had a boyfriend, even a fake one. It’d get Naruto off his back for sure. Ugh, but then he’d have to talk to the brat again. After what happened earlier Iruka wasn’t so sure.  _ Then _ he’d have to provide proof of said boyfriend, which he obviously didn’t have.

“Mhm, a fake one, that would be…” Kakashi muttered as he cleaned up the spilled tea on the counter with a napkin.

Iruka ignored him.

Technically this was all Kakashi’s fault anyway, so he was obligated to help. But no talking. None at all. He didn’t need to be lectured by a kid thirteen years his junior about anything, least of all relationships and sex.

Iruka pounded a fist into his open palm like he’d figured out the answer to life.

From the corner of his eye, Iruka watched Kakashi pull his mask down to take a drink from his cup. Iruka quickly shifted his gaze right.

“Okay, I’ll be your fake boyfriend,” Kakashi announced while looking mournfully down into his teacup. “That should slow Naruto down.”

After a beat, Iruka’s eyes shot back over to look at Kakashi, and his jaw hung open in surprise. “W-what did you just say?”

“I said, I’ll be your fake boyfriend,” Kakashi repeated, this time his lazy gaze settled onto Iruka.

“That’s a stupid idea, Kakashi.”

“What? It’s a perfectly sound plan. They do it all the time in Icha Icha.” Kakashi protested.

“Are you serious? Icha Icha?” Iruka asked flatly. Hi pinned Kakashi with an unimpressed look. Nine hells, what a terrible idea.

“If you don’t want to waste time trying to get into an actual relationship, and quickly at that, a fake boyfriend is perfect!”

Iruka rolled his eyes. “You do realize that that’s just a plot device right? To get the main character’s together at the end of the story? It’s not used to solve problems like this.”

“Oh… Well, why did you suggest it then?” Kakashi countered, looking away. The grip on his cup tightened just a little bit. “I suppose if you aren’t up to the task, then you aren’t up to it.”

Iruka’s temper flared at the accusation. “I didn’t suggest it!”

“You did. You were muttering to yourself about how this was all my fault, and it wouldn’t have been a big deal if you already had someone.” Kakashi said.

“Did not!”

“Did.”

Iruka seethed.  _ Fuck. _

“Gah! No one is going to believe it anyway, what’s the point? I’m a teacher, I wrangle pre-genin for a living, and I'm a chuunin to boot. I’m a plain, run-of-the-mill shinobi compared to you,  _ Hokage-sama.” _ Iruka ranted caustically.

“What kind of argument is that?” Kakashi rested his chin in the palm of his free hand and gave Iruka a withering look. “Why would any of  _ that _ matter, Iruka?”

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” Iruka argued.

“Listen. You’re a great person. Hell, I’ll even go as far to say you’re one of the best people in this village. You might be just a chuunin, but you’re well respected, and I don’t think anyone who has ever seen you work the mission desk thinks you’re anything less than a force of nature.” Kakashi explained. “And so what if you’re a teacher? I don’t think anyone has done a better job than you teaching those brats. Anyone would be lucky to have you, even as a fake boyfriend. Even me. Hypothetically speaking, I would totally date you if I were looking.” Kakashi finished with a wink.

“Oh,” Iruka answered dumbly. His face heated up and it felt like he was going to spontaneously combust. He really didn’t know what to say to that. “Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re more than qualified to be boyfriend material, Iruka, which is why I think this is an excellent idea!”

“I’m not sure…”

“We already spend time together. No one will find that weird. In fact, people would probably find it reassuring that I have someone so steady and sure as you. You’d be perfect for me!” Kakashi said happily, smiling at Iruka with his eyes. Iruka still wondered how the ex-jounin could manage to smile like that with just his eyes.

“I guess that might work...” Iruka mumbled. But as he turned the thought over in his head his nerves got the better of him. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Iruka abruptly stood up and backed out of the restaurant. “Thank you for listening to me, but I’ll try and handle this myself.”

“Iruka, wait!”

Iruka ran away.

*

In retrospect, perhaps flickering directly into the Hokage’s office the next morning wasn’t the soundest of plans.

After his escape last night, and having the chance to sleep on everything, Iruka knew he owed Kakashi an apology. The idea of having a fake boyfriend was still completely ridiculous, but Kakashi seemed incredibly sincere about everything he had said. Admittedly, they made feel Iruka a lot better about himself.

The first thing he was going to do was apologize to Kakashi for the previous night, he’d get on with the rest of the day’s work, and then he’d tell Naruto the truth. That was the plan.

He walked the entire trip to give him time to gather his resolve. From the tower’s front gate he flickered up into the office. There were no morning meetings scheduled until nine-thirty, which was still a good hour away, so it was safe to enter the office that way without fear of interrupting something important. He had flickered in a few times when he had to quickly deal with important paperwork.

Iruka formed the tiger sign and released a quick burst of chakra, disappearing from the gate and reappearing to the right of Kakashi’s desk. Before Iruka could react, he was forcibly backed into the desk and the sharp point of a kunai was dug threateningly into the right side of his neck.

Iruka’s body went rigid with nervousness, he didn’t even dare to breathe. The seconds seemed to tick by, and Iruka counted each of them until he got a hold of himself. There was a split second when he got pushed into the desk that he believed it had been ANBU that thought he was a threat, but it was the greys and blacks of the Rokudaime’s uniform that told him it was Kakashi.

Well, that never happened before.

He took note of the hand firmly pressed against his chest, effectively pinning him there. Iruka was half sitting, half pushed against the desk, the corner started to dig into him painfully. Kakashi was standing between his legs, leaving no room for Iruka to escape. Iruka had found it odd that he was holding onto Kakashi’s right bicep—he hadn’t realized he moved at all; the mild killing intent oozing off Kakashi had blanked his mind out. Kakashi’s entire body was coiled tight with anticipation, ready to strike at a moment’s notice.

Iruka didn’t dare to make any sudden movements, but slowly he tipped his face up so he could look at Kakashi more comfortably. The man’s eyes were cold and calculating, and while he no longer had the Sharingan his hard stare was as intimidating as if he had two of them.

“There’s no threat here, Kakashi-sama,” Iruka spoke softly.

“Kakashi-sensei!” a familiar voice yelled, coming from outside the office and down the hall.

Iruka groaned. It wouldn’t be long now.

“What’s naruto so worked up about?” Kakashi asked flatly.

“Ah, if I had to guess? Probably came to give you the shovel talk.” Iruka replied sheepishly, breaking eye contact. “I might have told him yesterday that we were together already.”

Kakashi squinted at him. “I thought you said that was a bad idea?”

Iruka snorted, and as he was about to answer Naruto burst through the door suddenly, as expected. Iruka firmly kept his composure and Kakashi still hadn’t moved away from him—but Iruka couldn’t stop the blush from forming. He could only imagine what they looked like to Naruto, considering how close he and Kakashi were, with him pinned to the desk like he was a character in one of those trashy romance novels. He hoped Naruto couldn’t see the Kunai resting against his throat.

“You okay, Kakashi?” Iruka asked, pitching his voice low so only Kakashi could hear him.

Slowly, the kunai was pulled away but thankfully still remained out of Naruto’s line of sight.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kakashi murmured. He adjusted himself and gave Iruka some room to escape.

Time for some damage control.

“Dammit, Naruto!” Iruka yelled and pushed away from the desk, slipping out from beneath Kakashi. He strategically placed himself between Kakashi and Naruto, to break the line of sight, and stomped his way over to the overly-excited ninja. “Learn to knock already!”

“Jeeze, I’m sorry Iruka-sensei. I didn’t think,” Naruto grumbled, waving his dismissively at Iruka.

“That’s the problem, Naruto, you never do!” Iruka snarled in his stern voice, crossing his arms.

“I said I was sorry!” Naruto whined and threw his hands up in annoyance.

“Privacy and doors,  _ Naruto. _ Are you ever going to learn to respect those?”

“Not when I’m trying to look out for your happiness, Iruka,” Naruto said and gathered Iruka up in a tight hug.

Iruka’s eyes teared up. He shoved his head into Naruto’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around the knucklehead.  _ Fuck, _ now there was no way he could get out of this fake relationship. Not after he and Kakashi had been caught standing so intimately close to each other.

Naruto pulled away from the hug first, and Iruka watched him turn and point accusingly at Kakashi who stared back at him blankly. At least he seemed to be more composed now, although the kunai was now hidden under some loose paper on the desk.

“You better take care of Iruka!”

“Maa, do you really think I wouldn’t?” Kakashi asked. Iruka didn’t miss the way his eyes narrowed ever so slightly. He was relieved that Kakashi was rolling with it.

“I trust you, Kakashi-sensei. And now I’m trusting you with one of my most important people.” Naruto announced with a grin but didn’t elaborate further. The edge of protectiveness in Naruto’s words didn’t really need to be explained.

Iruka was feeling weepy, even as Naruto quickly exited the office with a cheeky “I’m Leaving. I don’t wanna know what you’ll do now!” and slammed the door closed behind him.

“Sorry Kakashi-san, we can’t ever break up now. He’s so happy, and it would break his heart,” Iruka sniffled and rubbed he his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Yeah well, he’d kill me,” Kakashi shrugged. “I wasn’t looking for anyone, anyway. So it’s fine.”

It was still surprising that Kakashi was taking this all in a stride. “I’m so sorry I put you in that situation, Kakashi-san.”

“Drop the san. If we’re going to go along with this plan, we might as well start now.” Kakashi said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“So, are we treating this as a long term, undercover mission then,” Iruka grinned, crossing the room to stand next to the desk.

“Yes.”

“I-if you do happen to find someone, or if I find someone, we can end this arrangement immediately,” Iruka went on to say. It was important to lay that out on the table right now. Iruka was joking when he suggested that this was a mission, and he wanted to make sure Kakashi knew that it was okay to back out of this at any point. “And I really do appreciate this, Kakashi. I know I was an ass yesterday, but it means a lot to me that you’re helping me out.”

Despite Kakashi’s issues with formality, Iruka found himself gratefully bowing to Kakashi anyway. “So, thank you, Kakashi!”

“Stop that! There’s no reason to be so formal, Iruka. We’re dating now, remember?” Kakashi groaned and ran a hand through his hair.

Iruka righted himself and smiled fondly at Kakashi.

Kakashi shuffled uncomfortably then looked away as he spoke again. “And anyway, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I didn’t mean to attack you; your sudden entrance was unexpected. Old habits die hard, after all.”

Iruka understood that. After the career Kakashi had, it made sense that the man had such a healthy—borderline extreme—sense of paranoia. Kakashi wouldn’t have lived very long if he completely let his guard down.

“Ah, yeah sorry about that. I’ll take care not to do that unless there’s an actual emergency.” Iruka replied.

The flow of their conversation died down and a pregnant pause fell over them.

“Well then, Kakashi, let's make the best of this mission!” Iruka said, breaking the silence, smiling wide.

“Huh?” Kakashi’s eyes widened and he tilted his head to the left like a curious puppy. “Oh, yeah. Let’s make the best of this… mission.”

He certainly looked like a puppy with all that damn hair, Iruka thought. And if Iruka thought that blush creeping up from beneath Kakashi’s mask was endearing, well no one would know.

“And Naruto will be your problem now!”


	5. Girly Teenz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi does some date research.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't have time this week to do much worthwhile writing, but I still wanted to get something out even though it's short.
> 
> [This chapter is based off what makes a good relationship? chapter 2!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13331931/chapters/30517818#workskin)
> 
> One of the ideas featured in this chapter is loosely [based off one of dahtwitchi's scrapped pieces](https://dahtwitchi.tumblr.com/post/173381972893/scrapped-idea-for-chapter-of-what-makes-a-good) (but still really great tbh).

“What the hell is that?” Iruka asked flatly, looking at the Teen Kunoichi magazine that Kakashi held out in front of him with unadulterated disgust.

This month’s issue of the magazine was colored blue with a blown-up picture of the Godaime Mizukage, poised in a weird mix of intimidating and provocative, as the centerpiece of the cover. Iruka scrunched his nose in distaste.

 _TERUMI MEI SPILLS ON HER NEW LINE OF FASHIONABLE KUNOICHI APPAREL!_ said in one of the garish pink text bubbles framing Mei’s photo.

_QUIZ! WHO’S YOUR DREAM SHINOBI?_

_CHECK OUT THIS MONTH’S SPECIAL LIST OF TOP TEN DATES! PAGE 32_

_GIRL BOSS! 5 TIPS FOR SETTING POWERFUL GOALS_

Iruka’s eye twitched lethally. There was so _much_ pink, and why the hell did everything have to be capitalized?

“It’s something I picked up last night, and it’s been incredibly informative!” Kakashi happily told Iruka like it explained why he was looking at the pink and blue monstrosity.

“I have to confiscate these from the girls in my class at least twice a week. Why do you have one, and why are you waving it in my face?” Iruka growled irritably. There was a box full of last year’s issues of this particular magazine locked away in a closet in the staff room. He would have to burn them soon—preferably before the new box got full.

Kakashi, still smiling at him with his eyes, retracted his arms and flipped the magazine around in his hands, then started paging through it. “I was looking for some insight since we’re fake boyfriends now.”

“That’s a magazine for _teenage girls,_ Kakashi,” Iruka said tightly, doing his very best to keep a lid on his annoyance. Kakashi always knew exactly how to push a person's buttons to get the reaction he wanted; Iruka wasn’t sure if this was one of those times. Kakashi seemed incredibly sincere.

Kakashi let the magazine droop in his left hand, waving off Iruka’s comment with his right, “It has some interesting date ideas that I thought we could try.” Iruka opened his mouth to shoot the idea down, but Kakashi cut him off, “How about this. Number one: a romantic getaway to the Land of Iron’s Mount Toukan resort.”

“Ugh. _Snow.”_ Iruka’s mouth twisted unhappily and a shock of cold ran up his spine at the thought of it. “That sounds like a place two young lovers would elope to.”

Iruka hated the snow; it was wet, cold, and a pain in the ass to deal with even though Konoha rarely got more than six inches. A handful of ninja always hurt themselves slipping on the ice while coasting over rooftops.

“It’s a bit early to consider eloping don’t you think, Iruka?” Kakashi waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Iruka ignored the comment and instead lunged to steal the magazine, but Kakashi moved it just out of his reach. “It snows there year round. That’s a terrible place for a date.” Iruka elaborated.

“Sounds like the perfect place—alright, alright!” Kakashi relented when Iruka narrowed his eyes at him. Kakashi held his hand out to placate Iruka’s percolating anger. He pointed back down at the magazine, “Okay, how about this one: ice cream parlor date and sharing a milkshake with your sweetheart.”

“I’ve heard Sakura complain about how you hate sweets,” Iruka shot back, raising his eyebrow expectantly. He tried to imagine Kakashi sipping at a milkshake in public, but there was no scenario that wasn’t Kakashi drinking a milkshake through a straw with his mask still covering his face. Kakashi would probably get permanent brain-freeze scarfing down the cold treat like he did hot food.

“I’d make an exception for you, Iruka,” Kakashi said sweetly, tilting his head a little to left. Iruka could clearly see the outline of Kakashi’s big grin through his mask.

Iruka threw his hands up in exasperation, “Please be serious. You have work to do, and I don’t want to be here all night making sure you get it done properly.”

“We’re not even to the good ones yet,” Kakashi argued.

“No.”

“Just one more. Please?” Kakashi pleaded, looking at Iruka with sad eyes. He was picking up Naruto’s infuriating skill.

“I said no!” Iruka bit out and swiped at Kakashi. Kakashi’s reaction was too slow and Iruka managed to steal the magazine out of the ex-jounin’s hands. Kakashi moved to take it back, but Iruka stubbornly held it away from the grasping hands and took a few steps back as a precaution.

“Irukaaaa!” Kakashi whined.

“No!” Iruka growled.

He tossed the cursed magazine behind his back and out the conveniently open window in the office; he heard the faint plonk of the magazine hitting the ground below. Iruka grinned victoriously as Kakashi pouted at the loss of his research material.

 _Gods save us, this is our illustrious Rokudaime Hokage, in all his pouty glory,_ Iruka thought to himself.


End file.
